Cats are Jerks

Mika Oka
4 min readMay 8, 2023

As fellow cat servants, we all know the drill. Cats may look innocent and fluffy, but don’t be fooled — behind those big eyes and soft fur lies a sadistic creature that relishes in torturing us. We all know that cats are jerks.

Don’t let Kimchi’s innocent-looking face fool you — she’s a little terror in disguise.
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It all starts with their tendency to walk all over us when we’re trying to sleep. They’ll pounce on us, knead our chests with their claws, purring in our faces. And when we try to push them off, they just give us that innocent look that says, “What? I’m just showing you love!”. We know what you did, Fluffy. You’re a jerk.

Trying to sleep with a cat in your bed is like playing a game of space invasion. They start off small but before you know it, they’ve taken over the entire mattress. You try to push them to the side, and they’ll just dig their claws in deeper, making it clear that they’re not going anywhere. And let’s not forget about the way they hog the blankets, leaving you shivering in the middle of the night. It’s like they have some sort of superpower that allows them to expand to three times their size, all while having a personal vendetta against your comfort. It’s a constant battle for space, and your cat always comes out on top of your blanket of course.

If you’re like me, you probably have more scratches on your arms and legs than a scratch-off lottery ticket. And it’s all thanks to our furry little sadists, also known as cats. You know how it goes. You’re minding your own business, maybe sitting on the couch watching TV, when your cat suddenly decides it’s time to play. They’ll pounce on your arm or leg, claws out and ready to attack. And before you know it, you’re covered in scratches.

But that’s not the worst of it. There’s also the dreaded bath time. I don’t know about you, but my cat turns into a demon as soon as she gets anywhere near water. It’s like she’s possessed or something. She’ll hiss, scratch, and bite, all in an effort to avoid getting wet. And let’s not even get started on the noise she makes. It’s like a mix between a dying animal and a car alarm.

Trying to get a cat into a carrier is like trying to catch a greased piglet, except the piglet is possessed by the devil and can teleport. And once you finally get them to the vet, they act like you’re torturing them. They hiss, they scratch, and they give you that “I’ll remember this” look that haunts your dreams.

It’s always a battle of wills as you try to give your cat some medicine. They hiss, growl, and flail about as if you are trying to feed them poison. You chase them around the house, trying to catch them, but they always seem to be one step ahead.

But then, when you take them to the vet, and something miraculous happens. The vet pulls out the medicine, and your cat opens their mouth wide, as if to say, “Ah, yes, please give me that delicious treat!” You watch in awe as they swallow the medicine without so much as a meow of protest. It’s like watching a possessed piglet meet their exorcist.

That damn cat…

Life with cats is like a never-ending battle with possessed piglet, alligator and space hogging elephant rolled into one. Despite all the scratches, hisses, and condescending stares, we keep coming back for more. We love the way they curl up in our laps and purr, making us feel like the most important person in the world. We also have to put on a brave face and act thrilled when our cats present us with their latest gift, even though deep down we’re secretly horrified. There’s nothing quite like waking up to the feeling of a smashed cockroach on your face as you toss and turn on your pillow. And we love the way these little jerks make our world a better, happier place.

So maybe we are masochists. Maybe we enjoy the pain that comes with being a cat owner. Or maybe, just maybe, the love we have for our cats outweighs all of the struggles. We wouldn’t trade them for the world, even though they can be total jerks.

Read how we ended up with an impostor in our home:

Read Brian Lageose ‘s thrilling moment with his cat:

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Mika Oka

Sharing her unique perspective on the world as a hearing-impaired autistic person with bipolar disorder despite the challenges.